i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
