i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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