He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
