I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
