He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
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