took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
