Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
