So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
