I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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