The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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