imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
COCAINE IS GR8
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
