You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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