New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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