when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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