3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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