mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
