we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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