there's paper in my vomit.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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