Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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