i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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