mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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