someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
