just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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