I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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