i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
