How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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