You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
