Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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