I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
