Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
