he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
