On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
