My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
