She's like a pop up book from hell.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
