the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
