I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
