rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
