whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
