The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
