I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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