The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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