How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
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Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize