Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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