I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
