I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
