I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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