need another drink. this is the easiest way
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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