this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
