I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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