I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?