i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.