"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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