Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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