My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
