two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
