you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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